Walk
by thesoundofasmile
Summary: Her mind swirling with questions brought to the forefront by the latest case's events, Emily goes for a walk to try and find some answers.


**"Thoughts come clearly while one walks." – Thomas Mann**

* * *

Emily bit at her nail as the day's events played out in her mind over and over again. The terror on JJ's face as Will walked toward the unsubs willingly, the initial explosion, the confusion of the aftermath, the pleading tone Will had used to try and get her to leave him, the rush of relief when the bomb hadn't detonated. It was all so clear, but more than anything Emily found her mind was focused on Clyde Easter, and she found herself cursing colourfully in as many languages as she knew because of it. The man had always had terrible timing and an uncanny knack for pushing her buttons in all the right and yet wrong ways.

She shook her head in an effort to clear the thoughts from her mind, but found his offer still echoing loudly. Emily glanced up from the spot on the floor where her gaze had settled and began to realize not for the first time that her place was just too small. The walls of her condo began to feel constricting and tight, and she felt an overwhelming urge to escape them. She stood quickly and threw on her coat before grabbing her keys and making her way out of her place. Locking the door behind her, she walked briskly toward the exit of the building, tucking the keys safely into her pocket. She paused on the front steps as a small bit of relief flooded through her at the freedom the outdoor space afforded her.

She made her way down the front steps of her condo building, wrapping her coat more tightly around her body. Though the weather had been mild and comfortable for several weeks now, an uncharacteristic cool wind bit at her as she stood at the base of the steps, trying to decide which direction to go. She had no destination in mind, but she knew she couldn't stay in one place – that old feeling of restlessness had surfaced once more, compelling her to move, and to keep moving.

With a shrug and a heavy exhale, Emily decided to head toward the shops and restaurants, if only for the fact that she hadn't eaten yet and might feel like grabbing a quick meal. She walked for a little while before reaching the first few shops. Her gaze jumped up from the ground and began to lazily take in her surroundings. Evening had long since settled upon the city, and the streetlights cast their lights out into the dark night. She glanced up toward the sky and found the moon to be bright, but was disappointed when light pollution prevented her from seeing any stars despite the clear sky.

The sidewalk was moderately busy, with passersby making their way in and out of shops, and lining up outside of the few pubs and restaurants. Emily's gaze drifted from person to person, never lingering for too long as the profiler part of her mind catalogued the features of each passerby. She found comfort in discerning basic bits of profiles for the random strangers as it allowed her mind to wander away from the day's events. But all too soon, Emily found her mind drifting back to Easter's offer.

She'd be lying if she said the offer wasn't appealing, but she'd dismissed it immediately, instead turning her attention to the case that had put Will into serious danger. That danger had passed though, and now her mind had focused back onto how appealing a move back into international law enforcement would be. Sure, the job would have significantly less field work and more time stuck behind a desk, but after the last year…would that be so bad? And she was already familiar with Interpol…it would take some time, but Emily was confident she'd excel in the role.

As she walked along the street, she couldn't help but wonder if Easter's offer was the lifeline she'd been searching for since she got back. The problem was, the guilt at leaving the only people she'd really ever called family ate at her very soul. She couldn't leave them. Not again. She couldn't do that to them. And yet, Emily found her mind working through the reasons why she _needed_ to leave them.

D.C. had become her home. After a childhood spent in more countries than she could remember, staying in one place had, until recently, finally appealed to her. But now she found that familiar restlessness bubbling up once more. And if she was being honest with herself, it was a feeling she'd been pushing down for months. Things with Doyle had changed everything.

Emily had returned from Paris with the hope of reclaiming her old life, but upon her return she was greeted with a painful reminder that everything wasn't how it had been when she'd left, and it couldn't go back to how it was. Her team, whether they meant to or not, looked at her differently. And every single time they did, Emily cringed inwardly. She wanted so badly to settle back into the easy rhythms she'd finally established with her friends, but found she wasn't able because the friendships she shared with the people she called family had shifted after Doyle. Sure, they had recovered, and to the best of her knowledge they didn't resent her for her actions, but they weren't as strong as they were before everything had happened. And a part of her worried they never could be.

Garcia held on that little bit longer and that little bit tighter when she hugged her, as though to make sure she was really there. Hotch's careful and watchful eye became more vigilant, watching her every move, making sure those months alone hadn't broken her. Rossi ventured out of his office and into the bullpen more often, perching on the edge of her desk and asking for advice on his consults that he definitely didn't need. JJ sought her out constantly for advice on everything underneath the sun, ensuring she didn't spend any significant amount of time alone. Reid always made it a point to say goodbye when they would part, as though making sure he got the chance, should anything happen to her. And Morgan seemed to do a double-take every time she walked into a room, as though he couldn't quite believe she was there.

Somewhere along the line, D.C. had stopped feeling like home and started feeling like a painful reminder of what was. Emily had fought to push down that urge to run, and had tried to convince herself that putting down roots would give her what she wanted. But the efforts were in vain, and she knew that. She had known from the moment she'd begun to try and convince herself. It hadn't been anything more than a foolish attempt to put a band-aid over a bullet wound.

She had too much history in D.C. for her to stay. It was where she'd built her new life after the initial Doyle operation. It was where she'd found friends – no, where she'd found _a family._ It was where she'd rediscovered who Emily Prentiss was. It was supposed to be her new and final beginning, but it turned out to be just another chapter. Now it held too many painful reminders that her life wasn't, and certainly couldn't be as it had been before Doyle. Emily didn't regret her choices, they'd saved the lives of her family and a young boy. But she did have to be reminded of them every day. D.C. held all her demons now, and there wasn't anywhere for them to hide.

Emily took a moment to pull her coat tighter to her body as another gust of wind blew toward her. She shook her head to clear a few loose strands of hair from her face, and found herself wondering just how seriously she was considering Easter's offer. Her train of thought so far had all been to the effect that it was an already decided fact that she was going to accept…but had she already made that decision? She paused and looked up toward the sky, straining her eyes to see the twinkling of a distant star, trying in some way to ground herself, memories of nights spent with her grandfather on the French Alps surfacing in her mind.

Her stomach grumbled softly and she realized she still hadn't eaten anything. Fishing a few bills from her pocket, she turned into the closest café and ordered a sandwich and a tea. As she waited for her order, she glanced at her watch, surprised to find how late it was. She'd already been walking for a good hour or so. Time hadn't been a factor as she'd walked though, in fact it had seemed like no time had passed at all. She claimed a small table by the window, and found her eyes drifting once more between passersby, taking comfort in noting small nuances in their behaviour.

The minutes passed slowly as she painstakingly tried to keep her mind from wandering back to the dreaded topic of Easter's offer. She sipped her tea, and nibbled at her sandwich while she people watched, but found her appetite to be lacking despite her stomach's earlier protests. She pushed the plate away gently and let out a soft sigh as she rose to her feet, shrugging on her coat once more. She exited the café and took in a deep breath of cool air before letting it out heavily. She resumed walking as her mind once again began to mull over leaving.

She could just picture the team's reactions if she told them she was leaving. Rossi would offer a rueful smile and offer best wishes. Hotch would probably ask her if she was sure, and then offer his congratulations on the promotion and thanks for years' worth of dedication and hard-work. Garcia would probably burst into tears, or protest immediately. Or maybe both. Certainly her credit score would be threatened. Reid would get quiet and focus on other tasks until he couldn't ignore it anymore, and then he'd give her one of those looks that would make her feel distinctly like she was abandoning him. JJ would shoot her a look that was a cross between disappointment and understanding, and would give her a tight hug. Morgan already knew in a way, but he'd give her a hug and tell her he didn't like it, but that he'd let her go because she needed to.

They'd ask why, and protest that it was too soon…they'd just gotten her back after all. And they'd expect an answer. Emily blinked as she considered the question. Why _was_ she so desperate to leave? Was it purely her restlessness? Or the fact that she's stuck in limbo between who she was and who she couldn't be? Or was she ashamed of what they'd discovered about her? Was it because there was no way to escape her mistakes and her regrets in D.C.? Was it because she wasn't happy?

She'd told Morgan it was an uphill battle for her. She'd told him, not in as many words, that it didn't feel right anymore. But was that it? Was that all there was to it?

Emily wrapped her arms tighter around herself as she came to a stop. She'd wandered away from the crowds of people starting to buzz around the street, and found herself looking at a house not too dissimilar from the one she'd backed out on buying. In it she saw everything she so desperately wanted – that feeling of being settled, closure of the rift that Doyle had caused in her life, the ability to grab onto her life as it had been before she was forced into isolation for months on end. It represented not how much she wanted to stay, but how much she wanted to _want_ _to_ stay.

She blinked at that realization. She may love the team dearly, but she couldn't stay. She didn't want to stay. All the questions that had been swirling around in her head were answered all at once. Even if she declined Easter's offer, she couldn't stay here. It would eat at her until she had nothing left to give. No, she had to leave before the demons overpowered the good memories she had in D.C..

Emily turned her gaze skyward for a moment and took in the barely visible stars. She breathed in deeply as the truth set in. She was leaving.

* * *

**_"I will have to pull my heart away  
'Cause if I never leave I'll ruin yesterday"  
- Jack Peñate, "Pull My Heart Away"_**

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_This one came about as a means for me to write something short from Emily's point of view - since I don't get to do that with my Conversations story. I heard a line in a song (New York Rain by Ken Yates, if you're curious) that stuck with me, and this just flowed out from there._

_If you have the time, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it..._


End file.
